If only I had the courage
This might just be another one of those things that I begin with no end, like all my unfinished songs and half-written poems.
If I don’t do this now, I’ll start thinking of reasons for why I shouldn’t do it at all. My brain will logic its way out of being vulnerable and I’ll be stuck with an unused url and another idea that I threw out too soon. Another piece of lost potential I won’t be able to stop thinking about when it’s late and I’m lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. As the year goes by, I’ll wonder why I always wait so long. What am I even waiting for? I think I used to know the answer to that question but now I’m not so sure. I’m just waiting to wait. I think maybe I’m terrified of fate, or lack thereof.
Maybe I’d rather never find out what lies on the other side. From way over here I can hide from failure because I’ve told myself a million times that you can’t really fail if you don’t try. I blame my ego for never being able to swallow its pride (I swear I didn’t mean for this paragraph to fall into rhyme, but it feels satisfying). So I show up late to my own life, a couple years behind everybody else. The risk of going the wrong way has left me so paralysed I usually wait for the wind to decide instead. Or I stand perfectly still, unintentionally falling into defaults and calling them decisions. I want real control, not this illusionary daring that’s gun-shy and frightened of commitment.
Every few months my friend will ask me if I’ve sent those emails to agents, and I recycle the same response. I’d be ashamed to admit they’re still in my draft folder collecting dust, if I hadn’t already convinced myself that my reasons are reasonable.
“It’s not that I’m afraid of rejection, I’m just waiting for the right time. Everything has to be perfect and I have to be ready if they reply.” My fear has a bad habit of disguising excuses as practicality. It’s this back and forth game we always play. What I actually mean to say is: I know they’ll tell me it’s not personal but I carry my dreams in the softest part of my heart and if they don’t think I’m good enough, I might believe them.
Sometimes I lose faith in my ability to handle the confrontation. My chosen vocations reside inside these crowded vessels fuelled by external validation. I’m told it matters, what they think. It matters, yet I shouldn’t care so much. I shouldn’t get so worked up, it’s only my future in their hands. My skin is thick, not bulletproof. It gets increasingly difficult to sustain any sense of self when my vision is continually warped by their perception; my purpose never aligning with their terms and conditions. Am I still a writer when nobody’s reading my words? Am I still a musician when my music isn’t being heard? I’m an artist, but what about when I can’t get work?
That’s probably why I like to write in the dead of night, when the outside goes quiet. Everybody is sleeping whilst I listen to blues and stain my hands with ink, so high on my own creativity that I barely fall asleep before the light of dawn creeps in. When I wake in the morning, the intensity of my ambition has faded with the moon and I don’t feel so brave anymore. It’s tempting to snooze the day away and retreat under the covers. But that dusty folder keeps growing in size and it’s bursting at the seams now, begging for a chance to be emptied out. It holds piles of poems and stacks of songs that long for permission to breathe, to be held and to be seen.
I have art to make and stories to write.
I won’t wait this time.
I’m trying to silence the voices in my head asking “what’s the point?” such a question can grow as destructive as a Japanese knotweed. — 21:20, 4th july 2023
Life is moving fast. I’d say I’ve fallen behind but I don’t think I’ve ever kept up. The thickness of the city heat has returned and it’s harder than usual to catch my breath. I’m tossing and turning all through the night and my new normal is sleep deprived. Call me when you figure out how to survive. — 18:54, 22nd june 2023
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading!
If you want to keep up with my day-to-day and stay connected, you can find me on instagram. My music is also available to listen here.
Don’t be a stranger x